Someone is out to punish me. I’m convinced of it. My god, could this have come at a worse time?? I don’t think so.
I received a letter in the mail today that my application to be a mentor in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program has been DECLINED. I was home all day basically doing nothing, and neglected to check my mailbox until 5:00 in the afternoon. That’s classic beast apathy right there. I opened the envelope, read the letter, and just stood in my kitchen . . . stupefied. Shattered. Feeling like I was about to keel over and break – physically – into a million pieces onto the floor and lie there in busted fragments, hopefully to fucking die so I’ll be put out of my misery for good.
An online application eight weeks ago, then two phone conversations, then lengthy character referrals from four friends/co-workers, and then a grueling, very personal and intrusive two hour face-to-face interview. They were, to my understanding, trying to unearth past criminal records, drug use, a history of sexual abuse either as victim or perpetrator, a reckless driving record, spotty employment history, poor people skills, violent temperament, etc. I have NONE of those. Plus I was a teacher for six years! And yet, this reputable nonprofit organization has decided that I am UNFIT to have a young person in my charge for a mere eight hours per month. Do you have any idea how that feels? I am, in a word, devastated. I’ve been crying for hours. My eyelids are swollen to five times their normal size.
It is the strict policy of Big Brothers/Big Sisters not to disclose the reasons for an applicant’s rejection. And that’s just a splendid situation for me right now, because I’m already depressed, already struggling to pull my self-worth out of the toilet, and already suffocating under a blanket of my personal weaknesses, whether they be real or imagined. And now, I’ve been sent an overt message from these people that I, for reasons unknown to me, cannot be trusted to take an underprivileged 14 year-old girl to the museum for an afternoon, or to a yoga class, or to lunch, or to play frisbee at Sheep Meadow in Central Park, or to hear some live music at this summer’s River-to-River Festival, or to the young womens’ department at Bloomingdale’s, or for an inside tour of my brother’s music recording studio in midtown, or just for a walk and a talk. Yes, those are real things that I had planned for me and my “little sister”. I was really looking forward to it.
I am so hurt and crushed. I feel like someone has dragged barbed wire across my heart. I feel like if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow it would be a great service to humankind.
Before I got my rejection today, I had read countless articles, discussion forums, etc from people who participated in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program. Every one of them raved about what a rewarding and gratifying experience it was, how good it felt to make a difference in a young person’s life and be a positive role model. And now I won’t have the chance to feel any of that. Why? What’s so wrong with me? I did well on the interview, I know I did. How did I screw this up? What unforgivable, catastrophic flaw did they see in me? Good grief, do I need this now????
Apparently I have been deemed a person unsuitable to take a kid for ice cream. That’s just swell. I think my bus is waiting . . .