It’s 2 AM. A cloud of “can’ts” are hanging over me. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate on emails from work contacts who are expecting to hear back from me (screw them). I can’t eat. I can’t envision my future in ten years. And I realize that I can’t pose in front of my crush anymore. I did today and I almost couldn’t get through it.
I’ve reached the dreaded precipice. I’m hanging on to my professional poise by a teensy hair, where the surface of my well-honed appearance of composure is being punctured from inside me, like little holes poking through, determined to expose my desire for this guy. “Stop it! Stop it!”, I kept saying to myself. Maybe I’m delusional. Maybe I’m hallucinating. But I swear I could actually see my chest fluttering during a reclining pose. I felt tingles and quivers and palpitations. I closed my eyes, my thoughts morphed into fantasies, and a soft, breathy moan almost escaped from my lips. He was sitting just a few feet away from me, out of my field of vision, which only made it feel more powerful, more sexy, and more tantalizing. You know you’re feeling true desire when such mundane things as the sound of a scratching pencil and a glimpse of a paint-splattered sneaker – upside-down and out of the corner of your eye- are enough to stir your passion, and make you want to surrender your entire self.
I’m in trouble here, everyone. I never expected that this would get to this point. The crush has this intense effect on me and I hate him. He enters the room, and I transmute into a giant surge of libido. He does this just by physically being there!. He doesn’t even have to talk! (Although he did talk to me today 🙂 ) Grrr, attraction . . . oh man . . . sometimes I forget just how much it can mess with your head.