Desire

It’s 2 AM. A cloud of “can’ts” are hanging over me. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate on emails from work contacts who are expecting to hear back from me (screw them). I can’t eat. I can’t envision my future in ten years. And I realize that I can’t pose in front of my crush anymore. I did today and I almost couldn’t get through it.

I’ve reached the dreaded precipice. I’m hanging on to my professional poise by a teensy hair, where the surface of my well-honed appearance of composure is being punctured from inside me, like little holes poking through, determined to expose my desire for this guy. “Stop it! Stop it!”, I kept saying to myself. Maybe I’m delusional. Maybe I’m hallucinating. But I swear I could actually see my chest fluttering during a reclining pose. I felt tingles and quivers and palpitations. I closed my eyes, my thoughts morphed into fantasies, and a soft, breathy moan almost escaped from my lips. He was sitting just a few feet away from me, out of my field of vision, which only made it feel more powerful, more sexy, and more tantalizing. You know you’re feeling true desire when such mundane things as the sound of a scratching pencil and a glimpse of a paint-splattered sneaker – upside-down and out of the corner of your eye- are enough to stir your passion, and make you want to surrender your entire self.

I’m in trouble here, everyone. I never expected that this would get to this point. The crush has this intense effect on me and I hate him. He enters the room, and I transmute into a giant surge of libido. He does this just by physically being there!. He doesn’t even have to talk! (Although he did talk to me today 🙂 ) Grrr, attraction . . . oh man . . . sometimes I forget just how much it can mess with your head.


Drawing by Fred Hatt

13 thoughts on “Desire

  1. dougrogers says:

    You poor thing… relax…. breathe…

    Yes, here I am also, up in the middle of the night… pure coincidence…. (We have to stop meeting like this:-) )

    Oh, Claudia…. you need a hug…. just for being human… and look at the bright side. You didn’t throw yourself on him.

  2. fred says:

    Maybe you need to say something. Most artists are introverts, so if you’re waiting for him to make a move it may never happen.

  3. Merrel says:

    Your narratives are kinda… hot!

    On a serious note. Sometimes you have to ignore social and professional mores – and go with what you feel. If, as you say, your internal struggle is bubbling to the top – it’s likely he’s already aware of this on some level. Men like to feign oblivion sometimes, it’s a defense mechanism.

    There’s no question that if you do this, the dynamic of your relationship will likely change and you’ll not be able to “go back.”

  4. ray says:

    Poor Claudia
    I feel bad for you to have to experience these emotions, you don’t need this shit of being up at night not knowing , The way I look at it is this . You can take charge of yourself and approach him and ask if he’s interested. You should be able to feel this from him by womens intuition. He can’t mask his emotions for that long. And you dont want some one thats not communicating his feelings to you. He’ll either say yes or no . A no is no big deal there are others you will feel this way about. Youll get over it in a week.

    If its YES this can satisfy your ego and libido, but it can create a whole slew of emotions that will not be good for you in the long run. I believe I know you as a free spirit. Your your own boss. You dont want to be captive to out of control emotions. He will say jump and youll say how high?You will make yourself a hopless captive. If he has any peculiar ways that you can do without, you’ll will never be satisfied ,and you will be CHRONICALLY UNHAPPY. You will never feel whole. You also wil always be thinking about him, and wondering if he feels the same. All the while you will be unravelling., and shutting yourself off from meeting others that might be better for you as your life slides by at a fast pace. And looking back feeling sorry for yourself and angry.If this guy had any stones he would aproach you and lay it out. Not dangle you playing flirty games. Remember people dont change . Dont make the mistake of being with someone thinking as time goes on they will turn for you. It ain’t gonna happen!
    You Claudia FREE and beautiful deserve toget what you want!
    ” there are none so blind as those that will not see”
    Good luck Ray

  5. artmodel says:

    Doug,

    Honey, you are the BEST. I like knowing that we were online together, sleepless, in the middle of the night last night 🙂

    You’re right, I didn’t throw myself on him . . . but I almost did! Well, the urge was there. That’s exactly what’s scaring me so much.

    Thank you for acknowledging that I’m human. Indeed I am. And yes, I do need a hug these days . . . among other things 😉

    Great to hear from you, friend.

    Claudia
    xoxo

  6. artmodel says:

    Fred,

    Yeah, I’m seriously considering saying something. I’m just really nervous about it. You’re probably right that if anyone says anything, it will have to be me. SHIT!

    Claudia

  7. artmodel says:

    Merrel,

    Great comments and advice. Everything you said makes sense. I have the smartest readers! And it’s nice to hear someone encouraging the old “go with your heart” thing. There’s a good chance this will all blow up in my face, but the alternative – letting things stay the way they are – has become unmanageable for me. I’ve been able to do the suppression thing in the past, when the feelings were less intense. But this one, this one is a doozy.

    Oh, and thanks for finding my narrative “hot”! I didn’t really intend it to be that way, but I was so punchy and restless ( and hot and bothered) when I wrote the post, it just came out that way. Ooops 😉

    Thanks for commenting!

    Claudia

  8. artmodel says:

    Ray,

    Thanks for your comments, but I must say that I’m baffled by your second paragraph. I have NEVER been in a relationship where a man tells me to “jump” and I ask “how high”. What made you come to that odd conclusion? I appreciate your good wishes, but in the hypothetical scenario of him saying “yes”, you paint such a bleak picture that it depresses me. You anticipate me feeling sorry for myself and angry? “Chronically unhappy”? Where are you getting all that from? I don’t perpetuate hopeless, unhappy relationships. That’s why I got divorced. So that’s one thing I don’t need a lesson in.

    But thanks for offering well-intentioned advice. I have already stated that I have many trepidations about this whole thing, and I’m sticking to it. For now . . .

    Thanks Ray.

    Claudia

  9. ColdSilverMoon says:

    Whew! I wasn’t expecting to get turned on when reading your blog this morning, but wow, what a great pose by you and a great drawing by Fred Hatt! Only rarely can an art model can pull of an erotic pose and still make it classy and dignified. Yet it is no surprise you could do it Claudia, so congrats on a very well-done erotic pose and to Fred for a great drawing.

    As for relationship advice, I would say you should let him know your feelings, or at least let him know your available and accessible. On the model stand you are a great professional, and do your job well. But when off the stand you are just like anyone else. You have so much to offer, Claudia, why deprive this lucky guy of getting to know you? Before I got married I had crushes on female artists now and then, and even asked a few of them out. The dynamic is a bit different for a male model, but in my opinion you should have no fears about approaching this man. He’ll probably be flattered, and if he is worth it at all, he will definitely show an interest in you as well. Thanks for the update, and as always, best wishes and happy hunting!

  10. artmodel says:

    ColdSilverMoon,

    That’s my homage to Egon Schiele 😉 Glad you like the picture. Erotic poses are not appropriate in every setting. Depends on where you’re doing them and who you’re doing them for. That pose was done at Figureworks Gallery in Brooklyn, and Fred was there, of course. Not only can I pose comfortably around Fred, but he has a great gift of capturing models in erotic poses. As far as I’m concerned, no one’s better at it. But a pose like that doesn’t befit a formal, academic art school. Models, as you know, have to consider the setting and the participants when choosing poses.

    So I turned you on, did I? 🙂 That’s cool. I just wonder if I turn on “the crush”. I really appreciate your kind, supportive words about this whole matter. I felt good reading your comments, and I have a bit of hopeful optimism now, thanks to you. You’re so sweet to say such nice things about me.

    I will keep everyone posted. I’m still nervous and confused, but, hey, we’ll see.

    Great to hear from you, friend!

    Claudia

  11. dougrogers says:

    Has it been suggested yet, that you share some time together on a break? Talk about stuff.. like the picture, “Oh, this is good tea!” stuff like that?

  12. artmodel says:

    Doug,

    Once again, our stars are perfectly aligned. I am up late again, which started this whole comment thread with you the other night, and I have something semi-relevant to your newest comment.

    I was able to engage in some casual conversation with the crush tonight 🙂 It wasn’t a big, lengthy thing – there’s a reason for that, but I won’t go into the details because they’re boring, trivial, and it doesn’t matter. Let’s just say I thoroughly enjoyed a nice chat with him about his art. And I realized that I do LIKE him very much, not just for the sexual attraction reason I blog about. Tonight, he was so charming, intelligent, and self-effacing. I could have talked with him for hours.

    But again, I can’t get a “read” on this guy as far as how he views me or feels about me. And I’m not getting my hopes up. Well, trying not to. For now, I’m just so happy to even know him, pose for him, and be around him whenever I have the opportunity. At the very least, I’m pretty sure he likes my company, respects my dedication to art modeling, and enjoys my presence. Lots of smiles and stares. Not bad! For now, I’ll take it 🙂

    I’m trying very hard to nurture a cautious, realistic attitude about this. It’s never been my strong suit, but I’m willing to try if it will spare me disappointment. Survival mechanism I guess.

    Thanks Doug.

    Claudia

  13. ColdSilverMoon says:

    Yeah you turned me on! I’m a straight male in my 20’s, how could I not be??? That’s really a great drawing, and goes quite well with your post. I couldn’t agree more about the context being appropriate for erotic poses. In academic settings they basically aren’t done, but in community groups and smaller ateliers they tend to like edgier poses and compositions. That’s why I really like posing for smaller groups of professional artists or smaller ateliers – they tend to be more laid back and enjoy an erotic pose, or some other “non-traditional” pose. Always makes things more interesting!

    Thanks again for sharing your drawing!

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