Toulouse-Lautrec Smackdown

“A professional model is like a stuffed owl. These girls [in the brothel] are alive!”
– Henri de Toulouse Lautrec

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????????????? Say again?????!!!!!!!!! A stuffed what?? Henri! What’s with the dis???? That’s really messed up. Nobody disparages my profession. Not on my watch, pal. You want to play that game? Then bring it . . . BRING IT!!!!!!!

I feel an epic conniption coming on . . . . Toulouse-Lautrec, you . . . you . . . bastard! I’m flipping out!! ::shaves head in a state of madness:: “Hahahahahaha!!!!!” ::breaks into Met Museum at 3AM with can of spray paint:: “Teehee!!!”  ::defaces all Lautrecs with wild abandon:: sssssssss “HAHAHAHAHA!!” ::shakes can. defaces more:: sssssss ::cackles like Margaret Hamilton in The WIzard of OZ:: “weeee!!!!” ::sprays Madame X just for the hell of it:: “I’m on a sick rampage! Watch out!”  ::gathers all DVDs of Can-Can and Moulin Rouge. Puts into a pile. Crushes with bulldozer:: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUWAAAAHHH!!!” ::storms into snooty French restaurant on upper East Side. Demolishes pastry cart. Stomps on eclairs:: “YEEEEEEHAH!!” ::Cackles loudly in front of patrons:: “Toulouse-Lautrec SUCKS!!!!!” ::patrons fear for their lives:: “I’m not finished!!” ::enters kitchen. Punches chef in nose:: “Au Revoir, jerk-off!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” ::steals bottle of pinot noir. guzzles it down in one long gulp:: “I’ve lost it!! I’m batshit! STUFFED OWL!!!!” ::douses self with gasoline. Lights a match::

Ok . . . . OK . . . . So maybe I took it a little too personally. But I’m still pretty pissed. I am NO stuffed owl. That doesn’t describe what I do at all!! Stuffed owl??!! Ugh! Aaaaargh! I hate that! I’m not “alive” because I’m not a prostitute? Grrrrr! Henri, as everyone knows, had deformed legs and suffered from a genetic condition. He was also a severe alcoholic. Yes, ok, I feel bad and have genuine compassionate for his troubled life. He sought- and received – acceptance, intimacy, and support from those ladies. They were, admittedly, his muses. And that’s quite all right.

Since I am such a fair-minded person and always take the high road (stop laughing), I will still honor Toulouse-Lautrec on Museworthy because he does deserve the recognition and should make an appearance here (dammit). And I’ll do it sans hostility.

Here’s his idiot painting, called idiot Two Half-Naked Women  from the idiot year 1894 done in idiot oil on idiot cardboard. See? No hostility 😉 So this is Lautrec and his two sluts (not professional models, remember? Heaven forbid!)


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