Music Business Definitions

A family friend sent out a funny email that I thought I’d share for Music Monday. The guy, Jack, knew my father his whole life, since their high school days in Queens. Like my father, Jack became a professional trumpet player who worked for decades in the NYC club date scene. Having grown up around all that, I became well-acquainted with musicians’ special brand humor which pokes fun at the characters and craziness of their business. I’ve selected some of the funniest ones from Jack’s list. A couple of them might be too “inside” for non-musicians to understand, but you’ll get the gist. The subject memo in Jack’s email read “Music Business Definitions”, so here we go:

AGENT – a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary

ARRANGER – a guy who writes to support a drinking habit

BANDSTAND – the area furthest away from an electrical outlet

BIG BAND – nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians

BROADWAY PIT JOB – a prison sentence disguised as a gig

CABARET – a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town

CATERER – a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled

CHANTEUSE – a singer with an accent and no sense of time

CLUB DATE LEADER – someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye

CONTRACTOR –  a man whose funeral nobody goes to

DJ – the guy your son would rather have play at his Bar Mitzvah

DOUBLEBASS – the instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary

DOWNBEAT – the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working

ELECTRIC PIANO – the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it

HOTEL PIANIST – a guy who looks good in a tux

METRONOME – the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors

NEW YEAR’S EVE – night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise

ORCHESTRATOR – musician who enhances a composer’s music only to be chastised for it

PERCUSSIONIST – a drummer who can’t swing

PIANIST – an archaic term for a keyboard player

SIDEMAN – the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich

UNION REP – a guy who thinks big bands are coming back

Art Model Funnies, Part 7

Hellooo, helloooooo! How is everyone? I’m fine, just fighting off a teensy sore throat/cough. Nothing major. I hope my usual concoctions of herbal and natural remedies will do the trick. A lot of teas and apple cider vinegar is involved. It’s chilly here in NYC. Brrr! But it is November after all, and winter is just around the corner.

I have some more cartoons to share for the next installment of Art Model Funnies Hope they make you smile.

Professional female artist’s models are savvy enough to know that there are a lot of creeps out there, and that some guys who claim to be “artists” actually have ulterior motives. This cartoon by Rex May-Baloo says it all:

The model for the Venus de Milo confronts her past. Very funny from Ian Baker:

Really cute one by Joseph Farris:

And as always, I save my favorite for last. I’m thinking that if Rodin were alive today he would get a kick out of this. I love it. From Harley Schwadron:

Art Model Funnies, Part 6

Is it just me or has the entire blogosphere gone into a deep slumber? Museworthy’s traffic has dropped considerably over the past several days :sob . . sniffle: What has happened to my steady daily 8,000 unique visitors?? <— just kidding This is a summer syndrome I’m pretty sure, as I seem to recall bitching about this very problem once before, in the month of July naturally.

Well I’m not gonna take this lying down, dammit. We need some laughs and smiles and hijinks. In other words, another installment of cartoons! Maybe these will jolt us out of this lagging, comatose state. If it doesn’t work, we may have to try high potency B12 shots.

We art models like to look at the paintings we’ve been posing for. But in all my years I have yet to encounter this:

Plein air artists take note. This is from George Jartos:

I love Mona Lisa spoofs! They’re the best. Here’s one from Mark Lynch:

I usually save my favorite for last. I think this one is great! A model confiding to her therapist:

Art Model Funnies, Part 4

A veritable winter wonderland is taking shape here in the northeast. A steady snowfall has been blanketing us since this morning, and it’s really pretty! Of course I’m one of the lucky ones who has the day off today, and rather than deal with commuter difficulties, I get to remain happily snowed-in and nestled away in my house in Queens. I probably should go outside and shovel, but with my muscle pull still on the mend I think I’ll blow it off. Plus I’m just lazy

We’re long overdue for another installment of cartoons here on Museworthy, so here are a couple I think you’ll like.

From Dave Carpenter:

Here’s something I’d like to see; a nude ARTIST painting a nude model. Woohoo!! From Joseph Farris:

Hope you’re all doing well. See you soon, friends!

The Perils of Male Art Models

My last post about Michelangelo and his nude men, male and female anatomy, etc, got me thinking about male art models in general. Even though I’m able to candidly discuss and share all my art modeling experiences, there is, believe it or not, one topic of my profession that I am unable to address. Because I’m a woman, and we are happily invulnerable to this male art model “issue”, thanks to our blessed anatomy. It’s happened to some male art models I know. I can imagine how mortifying it must be!

This video clip from a British television comedy says it all. It’s predictable, but still funny. Have fun, guys!

 

Art Model Funnies, Part 3

Ready for the weekend, friends? What’s on everyone’s summer fun agenda? Bicycling, picnicking, swimming at the beach, reading a good book, watching the Olympics? I might try to do a little of all the aforementioned activities. Weather here in New York is simply divine! Of course I’ll probably end up spending a ridiculous amount of time chasing Kate around trying to take pictures of her, much to her irritation. She hates me.

My art model cartoon collection still contains a couple I’ve yet to publish on Museworthy. So here they are for a laugh, and to kick off the weekend. I’m definitely going to buy more of these in the future.

Two from Joseph Farris. Nude art model observes her painting in a gallery:
 

And inside the minds of still life “models”:

I LOVE this one, from Roy Delgado. A dog artist and his model. My favorite!!!

Toulouse-Lautrec Smackdown

“A professional model is like a stuffed owl. These girls [in the brothel] are alive!”
- Henri de Toulouse Lautrec

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????????????? Say again?????!!!!!!!!! A stuffed what?? Henri! What’s with the dis???? That’s really messed up. Nobody disparages my profession. Not on my watch, pal. You want to play that game? Then bring it . . . BRING IT!!!!!!!

I feel an epic conniption coming on . . . . Toulouse-Lautrec, you . . . you . . . bastard! I’m flipping out!! ::shaves head in a state of madness:: “Hahahahahaha!!!!!” ::breaks into Met Museum at 3AM with can of spray paint:: “Teehee!!!”  ::defaces all Lautrecs with wild abandon:: sssssssss “HAHAHAHAHA!!” ::shakes can. defaces more:: sssssss ::cackles like Margaret Hamilton in The WIzard of OZ:: “weeee!!!!” ::sprays Madame X just for the hell of it:: “I’m on a sick rampage! Watch out!”  ::gathers all DVDs of Can-Can and Moulin Rouge. Puts into a pile. Crushes with bulldozer:: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUWAAAAHHH!!!” ::storms into snooty French restaurant on upper East Side. Demolishes pastry cart. Stomps on eclairs:: “YEEEEEEHAH!!” ::Cackles loudly in front of patrons:: “Toulouse-Lautrec SUCKS!!!!!” ::patrons fear for their lives:: “I’m not finished!!” ::enters kitchen. Punches chef in nose:: “Au Revoir, jerk-off!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” ::steals bottle of pinot noir. guzzles it down in one long gulp:: “I’ve lost it!! I’m batshit! STUFFED OWL!!!!” ::douses self with gasoline. Lights a match::

Ok . . . . OK . . . . So maybe I took it a little too personally. But I’m still pretty pissed. I am NO stuffed owl. That doesn’t describe what I do at all!! Stuffed owl??!! Ugh! Aaaaargh! I hate that! I’m not “alive” because I’m not a prostitute? Grrrrr! Henri, as everyone knows, had deformed legs and suffered from a genetic condition. He was also a severe alcoholic. Yes, ok, I feel bad and have genuine compassionate for his troubled life. He sought- and received – acceptance, intimacy, and support from those ladies. They were, admittedly, his muses. And that’s quite all right.

Since I am such a fair-minded person and always take the high road (stop laughing), I will still honor Toulouse-Lautrec on Museworthy because he does deserve the recognition and should make an appearance here (dammit). And I’ll do it sans hostility.

Here’s his idiot painting, called idiot Two Half-Naked Women  from the idiot year 1894 done in idiot oil on idiot cardboard. See? No hostility So this is Lautrec and his two sluts (not professional models, remember? Heaven forbid!)